What we at Clackamas Women’s Services tell the adults and students that we educate throughout Clackamas County is, “if we don’t talk about it, it will never stop.”

This guest column is Part I of a series of educational pieces intended to educate the community about domestic violence and dating violence.

It is also intended to offer hope and resources for those who are living in domestic violence or for those who know someone who is living in domestic violence.

In 95 percent of domestic violence it is male to female battering and the other 5 percent is female to male, male to male, or female to female.

Those who systematically perpetrate violence towards an intimate other or an acquaintance are attempting to maintain power and control over their victim.

From school yard bullies, to neighbors bullying neighbors, to someone within the home (called domestic abuse or domestic violence), it’s about maintaining power and control over their victim. This is a choice that abusers make.

So often we hear, “Why doesn’t she just leave?” First, we respond, “why doesn’t he stop?” There are five categories of abuse tactics that are used by the batterer to systematically maintain power and control over the victim.

The abuse doesn’t start right away, the abuser uses a systematic method of abuse tactics such as emotional abuse (undermines self-esteem of the victim), financial abuse (all checking, savings or assets are in the abusers name but credit cards are in the victims name), sexual abuse (humiliating and dangerous), spiritual abuse (isolates the victim from her religious community or family), and the one we all think of that is most visible, physical abuse (slapping, pinching, pushing, breaking bones, black eyes, using a weapon or killing).

Other barriers are, she still loves him (abusers start out very charming and profess that they just want to “take care” of their victim); there are kids involved (moving them from their home and school can be extremely difficult); no one believes her (abusers lie and often demonstrate acceptable social skills outside the relationship); nowhere to go (such low self-esteem has left her fearful and hopeless); afraid to leave her pets (abusers often target the victim’s pets); afraid to leave her home; no vehicle; no money; and often the abuser uses the children to threaten her into staying.

Clackamas Women’s Services has packets available that further addresses the complexity of Why She Doesn’t Leave.

Call the CWS business office at 503-722-2366 for more information.

If you recognize any of these tactics in your own relationship or in those of someone you care about, there is help available.